best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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