How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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