Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
