I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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