today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
