i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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