So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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