I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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