The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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