I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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