Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
