Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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