I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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