This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
