My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
