3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
