so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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