If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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