I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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