You smell like a Billy Joel song
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
