I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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