last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
