the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
