Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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