ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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