Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
