the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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