I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
