I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
