i wish there were pregnant emoticons
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
