pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
