Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
