well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
