$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
