You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
