we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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