I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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