I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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