So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
