Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she peed on how many people?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
