dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
