It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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