I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
