Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
