Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
