Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
