You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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