I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We are all done wearing pants today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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