I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
