she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
