I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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