He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
