I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
