He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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