I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
