So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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